I did not pray for you to come, nor was I desperate for love and affection when I met you. I was exploring the many facets of my heart that were once unknown to me. A few potential lovers came my way and tried to enter my world. However, I was unable to love them due to wounds on my heart that I had not healed. I did not have the capacity to direct love outward. However, the minute I met you, your charm convinced me that if I accidentally fell for you, your hands would be safe enough for me to land in. I fell but for you but, to my disappointment you struggled to catch me the way that I prayed that you would.
The interesting thing about seasonal relationships is, they always start fast and end even faster. We developed a peculiar friendship. Our shared interests in nerdy shit like the television show Charmed led to late night phone calls then wild days where we would explore the obscure and then laugh at your old car breaking down in the middle of the road. We had fun together doing things with each other that most would deem corny. Your series of quirks was what made you beautiful to me. Like the moon you were a beautiful light that would hide the darkest parts of yourself at times.
In you I saw the things I hated most about myself. I became imprisoned by your consistent uncertainty and your insecurities. Every time I told you that you were loveable you knocked your brick walls down and let me in. Then once you got scared I found myself outside of your lonesome castle again. Our relationship ended faster than it even started and I had no idea where to go without getting the closure I thought I needed from you.
I prayed that you would call so, that we could come to a common understanding and address how we threw our relationship away. I tried to write letters but, my misunderstood words just made you hate me more. I thank you though because through you I learned a valuable lesson about ending relationships. Before you I was attached to a very specific idea on how to close a particular chapter in my life. I thought like many closure consisted of speaking to someone and getting your feelings out then coming to a mutual understanding. I now know that’s not completely necessary.
In a perfect world every time we end a relationship there would be a great closing conversation. And from this discussion both parties will be granted peace from broken pieces. However, that’s not always possible. Because of this I have learned the importance of creating my own forms of closure.
After things between us ended I was not ready to forgive you. I sat in the pain of losing you. I first consulted all of my close friends and told them what happened. They listened to me as I communicated my confusion. They helped me comprehend that you came into my life for a season:
Maybe you came into my life to remind me that I am lovable?
Maybe you came into my life to show me a good time?
Whatever reason you came my friends reminded me to appreciate the time that we spent together.
After complaining to every friend that would listen I blasted songs that reminded me that I am powerful both in a relationship and alone. I wrote many letters to you, letters that were not meant for you to see. In each letter I explained my feelings and what I thought about the dissolution of our relationship. After finally getting to a place of understanding my feelings and our past relationship I burned the letters I wrote. I released all of the negative feelings that I had for you and prayed for your success and your wellbeing. I reached a point of forgiveness. I first forgave you for not being gentle and honoring my heart. I forgave you for not being emotionally available when your actions convinced me that you wanted love. Then I forgave myself. I forgave myself for dishonoring you with my aggressive words. Through this process I found the strength and courage to close our chapter. I then learned that in the past I was fooled, fooled into believing that I need someone else’s approval for my peace. In this world we will always have all that we need and I never needed you to give me permission to let you go.